Grief Has Kicked My Ass

Ever had grief do that to you? I’m not a fan to be honest!

I really thought I’d been coping well – using my outlets of writing and making mosaics in memory of Nita, for me and Nita’s sister, Kayla.

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‘Neets’

I finished ‘Neets’ last week and sent her off to Kayla, excited for her to receive it. The following day I awoke in a deep empty hole. I couldn’t feel Nita around anymore, and felt so alone and isolated.

I had reprieve for a day when another friend from our teenage clan stayed over, then I really crashed after he left.

That feeling I had when she did go to Thailand, and again after she died, has returned – ‘she’s just away on holidays and will be back soon’. But she’s not coming back. She’s not on holidays. I see her smiling face and hear her voice. And I’m struggling with the fact that she’s gone.

I’m so angry with the universe. FUCK YOU. FUCK.YOU!!! FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!! I want to scream it from the top of my lungs. I want to smash plates. All of them. It all happens, only in my head, and then the tears flow to the point my head aches and my body’s exhausted.

I think this is so insightful, and less damaging for us to realise anger is a cover emotion… anger

My anger is certainly grief. Grief because I didn’t get to say goodbye, then I hesitated too long doubting myself at her funeral and missed her open casket. I knew I wanted to see her, I knew I wanted to kiss her forehead and tell her I love her, and I allowed myself to question that which has cost me hugely. I know people wanted to remember her from their memories, but I’m a bit different and let that realisation get in the way, fearing I’d be judged. So stupid! Who gives a shit if people think I’m strange!

I was able to say goodbye to Steve after his life support was turned off. We three had a very close bond, and I needed to see Nita and say goodbye to her too. I don’t understand why, I can’t come up with a single reason – but it was a need I had that I didn’t make known as they were gathering family for the viewing. I hadn’t known it was an open casket funeral so wasn’t expecting it, and didn’t manage myself well. It’s hurting me now.

My gran had open casket after the service and I said goodbye to my gran too. It doesn’t feel weird or shocking to me, I have seen it with Steve and so am expecting of the coldness to the touch, and the difference in appearance once the soul has left the body. But I think for me it’s the ultimate final tangible connection we have with our lost loved ones, and our final chance to say a personal goodbye.

But getting back on point, grief because Nita and I took time for granted and missed out on so much. We had plans ffs, that didn’t include her dying. Now they’re gone, with her, leaving a big emptiness. I miss our long talks, and the one’s we were to come back to – there was always so much to say! There have been so many times I’ve wanted to call her, and it hurts deeply realising I can’t and won’t ever be able to again.

I’m angry at the universe for taking away the two friends I’ve had who’ve known me for all my good and bad, still loved me the most, and vice-versa. And for taking Nita who was the only one who laughed and cried with me about Steve, as she’d been his girlfriend and we were all extremely close. And I’m angry because I’m hurt and confused.

Grief. Such a shitty emotion to endure and it’s cycle isn’t always circular, but rather squiggly, entangled and unpredictable I’m finding. I fell into a deep hole and have slept and cried for the last 3 days, enveloped in a dark heavy cloud. It’ll pass, so it’s a matter of enduring and trying not to beat myself up too much for my mini breakdown.

grief fear

 

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