Living as a Lower Class Citizen

livingThere is nothing more demoralising and upsetting than being treated like you don’t matter. And when that is the attitude shown by the housing authority we are living under, it’s hard to get away from. It’s really gotten to me on a number of occasions since living in a Link Housing property, and this time is no different. I think probably because it reflects what my life shows me I’m worth.

I know that last statement is bullshit as we make our own lives and everything’s a choice. The things we have no control over, we still choose how we react to it. So it’s all in my head. I’m screwed!! I’ve developed some pretty out there beliefs which put people off if I’m idiotic enough to share them. They really show to me how far out I am from the norm. I’m everything a normal person is NOT!! I keep reading how anger is a reaction of an unintelligent person – I’m struggling to keep my head above it, drowning in the tears I can’t control because I hate being like this. I know I’m losing it again, but this time in a very spectacular way it feels.

These last 8 years have been hard, but I got to see I have compassion, empathy, loads of love, generosity and a strong character. All that is fading away, and I’m unhappy, hateful, intolerant, and ANGRY. And I wonder why I only have one friend who can tolerate all of me!! She’s known me since I was 17 and has seen every facet and shadow of my personality. Somehow still loves me to pieces. My violence is usually towards myself, and in our younger years she has livingseen it, nursed me and cried with me. History has built an amazingly strong bond.

I’m sorry to all the people who have seen me do so much better. I’m sorry to those who think I’m someone I’m actually not. Most of all I’m sorry to Jessie who has to learn to separate herself from my shit. This isn’t how it was meant to be.

I think Link Housing is one of my biggest triggers to my mental cave-ins. I can’t stand being ignored then lied to and treated like I’m an idiot when I call it out. It infuriates and upsets me incredibly, and I can’t seem to get a handle on it. I’ve lived in community housing before, however never in a complex entirely owned by a housing authority. I seem to create enemies at Link because I moved into a brand new unit block which they have let go to shit to match the ‘acceptable’ living standards I have been told they are required to provide. It’s degrading.

There have been a couple of things I’ve emailed our new housing manager about which went ignored. Ignored from my perspective anyway – I was told that she was saying things around the office. Nice. Following up again at the end of last week she had the nerve to tell me that she had spoken with me over the phone about my concerns. She didn’t even respond to emails let alone call me. Does she think I’m stupid?? A moron?? Insane even??!! Who does that??! This is our housing manager! Un-fucking-believable…

I so wish I owned my own home and had done a better job at securing my future when I was younger. But I didn’t. I have to live with the consequences of the choices I’ve made. That’s fair enough, I can’t expect things from life when I haven’t put in. However I don’t think Link has the right to judge me or treat me like I’m a second rate citizen.

But this is life and not the first time I’ve been in this position with Link Housing. Sadly I have no doubt it won’t be the last.

“Well petal, aren’t you just a little ray of pitch black!”

living

4 thoughts on “Living as a Lower Class Citizen

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  1. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been triggered Kat, being triggered always sends people like us for a loop. Try not to beat yourself up my friend, you have come so far and this is just a set back. I know it feels much worse, it always does while it’s happening, but it’s just a set back. Have you done anything nice for yourself lately? You spend a lot of time doing for others, but what about doing something special for just you? A spa day? I know it’s expensive, but you need to take care of yourself, as well as Jessie. If you can’t afford a spa day, what about a walk out in nature? I find walking out in nature helps me to clear my head & see the bigger picture & I’m pretty sure you share the same hobby. If all else fails, I’m here if you want to talk. ((Hugs)) xo

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    1. Thank you Davina xx I think you’re right, it taps into deeper parts of us and triggers us, so things feel way worse than they probably are in reality. I’m trying to be more of accepting of “those” parts of me. I did start a 12 week challenge at the gym I go to today, which is a combo of exercise and menu plans with good whole foods, so I’m hoping that’s going to get me into a healthy routine which should do my head the world of good. And your suggestion of a walk in nature is perfect. I’m going to suss out a walking trail – we live close to a national park 🙂
      I’m hopeless – when I need support is when I can’t talk because I feel so negative and am scared of losing any more friends. I’ve got to sort that out…xx

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  2. ((Hugs)) How intensely frustrating! Oh and being angry in no way makes you stupid, it can demonstrate ignorance if it’s based solely in fear, but in your case that is not the issue – you have every right to feel angry! I’m so sorry that you are going through this, email me if you want to talk!
    xoxo Kate

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    1. I really appreciate your perspective Kate, and now that I’ve lifted from that black hole I can see what you’re saying about anger. Thank you! Then there are so many other things that creep into the frustration, and it knocks me. I’m definitely my own worst judge and critic.
      I’m amazed at how much lighter I felt after just writing it down and getting it all out of my head! Thanks for your support, as always 🙂 xx

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