I heard something that resounded deeply with me at my first Buddhist teaching. And that was that our true essence is always there – it just gets covered over by piles and piles of dirt which represent the sufferings of human life. As we slowly dig away the dirt, we get closer and closer to our true selves. I love it because it allows for compassion and forgiveness, but most of all HOPE. And hope is one of my favourite things. For me, I find it calming, peaceful and full of possibility. I cherish hope as I’ve lived without it before. I respect its value.
I’ve lived a lot of my life off the beaten track in comparison to my family you could say. Bloody black wool – and I made sure I stood out like dogs balls in my teenage years! My favourite haunt was The Piggery at Byron Bay until it became more of a nightclub than a live music venue. We saw bands like The Violent Femmes, Midnight Oil, The Lime Spiders, Hunters and Collectors, Canned Heat and heaps of others. Unsurprisingly, I’d say my toxic love affair with being in an altered state began around this time.
I left home at 17, which was probably more like “I’m moving out!!!”, “Great, get in the car, I’ll drive you!!! Don’t forget your toothbrush!!!”! I may have been a little challenging at times…karma has caught up with me! My mum used to say I was like the little girl in the story with the curl in the middle of her forehead. “When she was good, she was very, very good, but when she was bad she was horrid.” Although these days I’m not usually as horrid, this has always rung true with me. I’ve become better at dealing with my ‘horridity’ and keeping it leashed. Unleashed it does too much damage and leaves me hating myself. I push people away, and lose people I don’t want to lose.
I haven’t dealt with traumas well. PTSD and depression grips with its filthy claws disabling me. My mind visits dark, bleak places. Life becomes my enemy and people my greatest fear. But fortunately bad days always pass, and then I see the me I like again.
I try to give more than I take. I’ll help you if I can. If you need me to stand up for you I will. I will fight for the under dog, and house the lost dog. When I’m good, my heart and my home are open.
I love to learn. I want to know how things work and why – mostly people. Psychology is a passion. I love the brain for its complexities. It’s interesting how our experiences can affect the brain, which in turn determines how we think and behave. I like to know what has shaped people, and why – myself included. I have a huge capacity for empathy and compassion, for myself now too. Trauma and repeated heartache can break a person’s usual spirit.
“The way I am today has nothing to do with what I’ll be tomorrow.”
It’s a spiritual life I’m heading towards. My mistakes and losses provide for learning and growth. Communication is a skill I want to perfect. I’ll keep digging away the dirt and working towards a peaceful mind.