It’s been seven years since Jessie first began experiencing overwhelming emotions and raging tempers. Those years have been a rollercoaster of emotions. It’s been exhausting, distressing, trying, heartbreaking, intense, humorous, enlightening, complicated, stressful and confronting.
I like this meme. It’s true! But on a bad day it makes me laugh, even if it’s a just a chuckle on the inside. I’m getting better and better at this negotiation with swinging moods and thought processes, however there are still times when I go on strike. Well I try.
Unfortunately there’s no-one to take over, so even on strike, I’m always on high alert. That speaks a lot about my personality though. I worry too much about the what-ifs. Worrying is not only counter-productive, it chews up much needed energy. Despite knowing this, it’s my number one barrier to a peaceful mind. Accepting the fact that I no longer have control is something I’ve struggled with. Having to let go and realise that Jessie’s life is actually hers now, is hard! I want to fix everything, I wish I could. But I can’t. Jessie needs to find her own way, and learn to work things out for herself. Being so protective, it can be upsetting for me to take that step back at times.
Jessie’s aggression and verbal abuse was incredibly difficult to cope with in the first few years. The work I’ve put in to learning about what is happening for Jessie, along with teaching her new skills, has seen that aggression almost dissipate. She is now 14 and it’s been three years since I’ve required Police assistance. It’s been three years since she has been sectioned by Police under the Mental Health Act.
Communication is now our strength instead of being our downfall. It has taken time, but I have no doubt it has enabled us to move on in a positive direction from such tumultuous times.
With growing maturity Jessie is also taking responsibility for herself. We’ve both learnt the importance of repair after an argument. A big part of that is forgiveness – forgiveness for self and the other party. With Jessie now feeling safe with her emotions, she is able to apologise if she has been rude or has snapped at me. She also has an acute sense of empathy which she is becoming more and more comfortable showing. Taking blame out of picture changes the whole dynamic, it’s amazing.
Raising a child with bipolar has been life changing. I have learnt so much about myself and so much about how to be the best parent I can be. Jessie is a quirky kid and has expanded my mind with her thoughts and experiences. As much as times can still be difficult, I actually think most of that comes from societies perception that our life is not ‘normal’. These labels apply pressure to get your child back into a ‘normal’ life – but who is to say what is normal?
Perfection is not a requirement for love in my heart.