Sometimes I want to lock myself in the boot!! Maybe I could hide from life in there for a little while? Realisation is a positive thing, especially in relation to ourselves. Being self aware gives us the opportunity to learn and grow and improve things about ourselves that we’d like to. Although sometimes I find it a huge burden.
I recently did a one day meditation course with Kelsang Lhachog about the art of forgiveness and letting go of anger. I learnt that there is no place for anger. Ever. It achieves nothing. Anger prevents us from really letting go and is detrimental to our wellbeing. It was suggested that we set time-frames in which our goal was to not get angry. On a good day, if I didn’t drive anywhere, I can manage well. On a bad day, left to myself, I am such an angry person!! I am so mean and impatient with myself. And it’s been eye opening being aware of how many things frustrate, irritate, annoy and anger me!
This realisation has been really powerful. Mainly because now I am fully aware that things only annoy me because of me. And why do we get angry? Lhachog’s teaching was perfect – because we haven’t got what we wanted, or because things haven’t turned out the way we wanted. We are reacting the same way as a 2 year old throwing a tantrum because they can’t get their own way. And it’s true, dammit! I think about why I’ve become frustrated or angry, and if I’m honest, it’s always for either of those reasons. So…I’m an adult toddler!! Woohoo!
The positive is that I am now aware of my choices – to either be reactive and continue to behave like a toddler, or to be proactive and do something about it. Being proactive brings me two options – change what I can, or accept what I have no control over and let it go. Much easier said than done. It’s a constant thought process and sometimes I’m looking for a boot to lock myself in. Sometimes I need a break from the realisation that there is so much improvement still required in myself!
I’m also aware of how much I worry about things that are out of my control. I’m so worried about Jessie and dreading the coming school year. My anxiety around Jessie’s schooling is heightened by the news that she is actually only on a temporary enrolment with Sydney Distance Ed High School. In addition to the first three weeks work for this year, I also received a letter from them advising me that Jessie’s enrolment will be terminated if she doesn’t complete all work with effort. I’ve organised tutoring for Jessie which she is not happy about, so that’s going to be interesting. Selfishly, I just want these last three years of school over with.
Jessie’s schooling – ANXIETY GENERATOR #1!!
I know it’s pointless worrying. Things are going to turn out the way they do whether I worry or not. But what if Jessie doesn’t complete Year 10? No Rosa which she needs if she wants to go to TAFE at any stage. She only had 13 weeks of Year 9. To me, this year is vital. My heart sinks to think she’ll throw away this year of schooling. My concern for Jessie’s future is overwhelming sometimes. Battling to keep my mind in the day, planning for the future is on hold.
My trek to becoming the person I want to be means hard work.
I have to be aware of my behaviours, be honest about my motives, and admit my shortcomings. There are so many! Some days I just want a break to be content with who I am. I do like who I am, but it can be very difficult being me! My goal is to find it easy to be me – to have a peaceful mind.