We’re back from two weeks holiday, staying with my second cousins. We had to come back 5 days early which started my feeling blue. The down side to going away is that we come back to normal life – a bedroom covered in torn up school work, the reality that my only child is going to fail school through pure lack of participation, that overwhelming feeling of failure and hopelessness. Added this time is the feeling of rejection and the reminder that I’m really nothing but food, unsavoury to most in this part of the world.
The down side to going away is coming back to the loneliness of home. I had one person I was really looking forward to seeing, but the feeling wasn’t mutual. My old friends who want to spend time with me all live where we visit, or come up to see family. Lismore and surrounds is home base. My plan had been to relocate, but those plans I’ve had to quash. Something I’m feeling selfishly resentful about, but that is how it is.
My life isn’t mine. I feel trapped but I have to shut that out or I feel claustrophobic and can’t breathe properly. I see clearly in front of me what I really want and where I want to be, for the first time, but I can’t have it. It can be nothing but a dream. I’m crushed. I’m really struggling being in the city. There is no life here for me anymore. I don’t belong here.
Not even my cats are happy here. I’m always being yelled at because they want to go outside but they’re not allowed. I got home to soil all over the freshly cleaned carpets, covering the bookcase, in the power board – it was everywhere. They’d decided to use my pot plants instead of their kitty litter. They’d also managed to get outside and dig up a number of plants. There was dirt all over the verandah. I had to clean as soon as we got home, before I could do anything. It wasn’t pretty. If anyone ever needs to know, it’s $75 per cat to surrender them and $100 each to have them euthanised. Ours were lucky enough to remain at home. They’re outdoor cats though, it’s not good for me or them. Not what I wanted. The balance between give and take is out of whack.
So there, the down side to going away is upon one’s return one may suffer through an existential crisis -possibly quite devastating, leaving one feeling shell shocked and fucked up.
The sooner I can accept this life and all it’s experiences, the happier I will be.