I’m exhausted. The cause – me and my extreme existence. I should stop there because that sounds as if my life is full of adventure and excitement! It has moments of both, but it feels more extreme in it’s stresses. I’m hoping by writing what’s in my head, I’ll become untangled from it.
There is so much going on that I feel trapped with. The feeling throughout my body is ‘I hate my life’. I hate my life. But that’s a secret. One I wish had been kept from me too. But no, everything’s got to be laid out on the table and psycho-fucking-analysed. Not much is allowed slip by. No-one is perfect but how many live under such extreme self scrutiny? Surely it’s not meant to be so intense?
It’s the very basic things that I’m fed up with. Combined with all the little things playing ‘pile on’, I get to feeling like I might explode into a billion pieces. And I see little peace from life in the near future.
I love Jessie, my family, and all the people in my life, and I enjoy my volunteering and study. These things give me temporary relief, but as I said, it’s the basic things I’m hating. Like where I live and the attitude from our community housing provider I have to live with. I have to suck it up that we live in a place that is not maintained, or cleaned properly. I reported the extreme stench of our bins, and the fact that the garbage rooms are never cleaned. The place is only mopped about once a month, leaving the floors smelling worse then the bins. But I’m told it’s all of an ‘acceptable’ standard. I wish I could get paid enough to buy a brand new BMW by doing an ‘acceptable’ job. Or work in the office of Link Housing – they don’t even reach that standard!!
I can never get hold of our housing manager, and she has returned my calls on one occassion only. Emails I’ve been sending in about a car parked in our driveway adding to the safety hazard – ignored for the last two months. The last time I was on holidays up north, I’d rung after a leak in the roof had damaged my wall making the paint bubble and peel and the carpet discolour. My request to have it repaired had gone ignored and I was chasing it up. How dare I! I was asked by the staff member in a holier than thou tone, “Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have electricty? Do you have water?”! I made a formal complaint about her. Didn’t ever hear back.
We have dead gardens and the grassy areas are nothing but weeds. I told them the gardeners rarely come, and all they do is mow when they do come. But I’m told we have the same gardeners as another block where the gardens are beautiful, and that they come every two weeks to tend our gardens. I was the second tenant to move in here, but hey, what do I know?! I only live here! We are the newest block in the street, and the most dishevelled after only six years. It’s embarrassing. But the attitude is that we’re all shitkickers, not entitled to anything better than acceptable, or entitled to a voice – the very thing I can’t stand!!
What amazes and angers me is that it’s so often those claiming to be caring and advocating for those in need, that treat those they advocate for with such disdain and discrimination. And because I do have a voice, I’ve earned myself a bad name at Link. I could easily write a book with all the stories from living here over the years! But in keeping with the integrity of Link Housing, when I asked the CEO who their governing body was, he told me the it was their ‘skills based Board’ and provided me the Chairpersons email. My query as to how they can be governed by themselves has gone unanswered. I would’ve thought that if a tenant asks, they’d be obliged to give a truthful answer. I really can’t stand being treated like an idiot, but it comes with living in my world unfortunately.
The chief assets manager did call me yesterday and she’s coming out to meet with me on Thursday with the assets manager and the CEO. She tells me that it is their responsibility to keep on top of everything here, and they plan to improve their processes, but I’ve heard the second part of that sentence before. We’ll see…
I’m also struggling with accepting events of the past. The position Jessie’s in is a consequence of my choice in men. I know all the positive thinking tools. And I know I need to be compassionate and forgiving towards myself to be able to move forward. However I feel like I’ve gone full circle, and am back at the point of knowing my choices are the reason Jessie has so many problems. In reality, how can anyone really forgive themselves for their child being sexually assaulted by an ex? If I was healthier in my mind, she wouldn’t have been assaulted because I wouldn’t have chosen him.
Seeing Jessie so happy after her social get togethers last week, did create a spark in my heart and did give me some relief. Unfortunately the day to day picture quickly put that spark out. Our normal is so far off most people’s and I’m finding myself wishing for a different existence. I feel like I’ve lived in some kind of dysfunction for most of my life. Things were supposed to settle as I got older, but that hasn’t been the case.
Jessie’s a very intelligent girl, but today she dropped her electives, so is only doing core subjects in middle school. This leaves her ineligible to go on to Yrs 11 & 12, although she plans on going to TAFE next year. I’m really worried she’ll struggle with a full workload, as she’s not used to it. My fear is if she doesn’t want to put the effort in she’ll give it up, and then we’re in trouble. I know there’s no point worrying about the future, but it’s much easier said than done.
I’ve brought a child into the world who is constantly telling and showing me how much she hates herself. She doesn’t have much care about her cleanliness or appearance. Her room is disgusting. She’s blamed me, having shouted at me that I shouldn’t have fucked her father. What do you say to that?!
As her mum I’ve failed to keep her safe and I know I’ll only be able to forgive myself if she has a contented life.
Then there are the ‘pile ons’
I’m owed over $27 000 in child support arrears, and this financial year owed a paltry $8 per week to contribute to Jessie’s upbringing. It’s insulting. I’d rather not get anything.
I want out of city living, but I know I’ll never be able to afford to move to the country. That has to remain just a dream. I want out of Link Housing, but I can’t afford full rents.
People are not my favourite species. I’m sick of most people. So many are arrogant, self centred, unkind, cruel and rude.
It’s been two and a half months since I quit smoking but I’m still having the vivid, extreme dreams. I wake up feeling like I’m ready for bed.
I could go on but it’s all just whingeing. So many things are aggravating me that I’m deep breathing so much I’m making myself dizzy. I fear my head’s likely to explode. Or I could quite possibly go mad…that sounds more fun.