I know…it’s rude to look a gift horse in the mouth. But c’mon universe, I’m feeling smothered and need some space from your ambiguous generosity. An aura here or there, but not like this.
I don’t know what’s going on but I’ve been having regular aura’s again this past couple of months. It’s annoying and I’m wanting to minimise them, but I’m actually incredibly lucky with my epilepsy. Others suffer incredibly and I realise auras are miniscule. My love goes out to one brave young sufferer in particular.
I was diagnosed with epilepsy in 2008 after doctors witnessed me having a grand mal seizure in hospital. Since then I’ve been medicated and haven’t had a seizure in five years. So I’m doing okay! However each aura is letting me know my brain’s still misfiring at times. I just find them annoying because they make me so tired afterwards and leave my brain hazy. And from what I can gather the only cure for an aura is avoiding the trigger.
I’ve started keeping a record of them and what I’m doing at the time. After a few weeks I’m hoping to see a pattern or be able to identify the triggers. At the moment it’s quite confusing because my doctor tells me these auras sound like side effects of a migraine. Although I do get bad headaches that last for days, they’re definitely not migraines, instead tension headaches. A massage at my favourite Chinese massage place where the only one who speaks English is the receptionist, and I’m healed. These women are tiny but can cause agony! I can’t handle them at full strength! I walk out feeling like a feather though. I’m recharged and the headache’s gone, along with the auras. For a little while.
Other times they come on, seemingly without cause. I have them when I’m hosing the garden, reading, at the gym, in the shower, shopping, when I first wake up, talking to people, at tai chi. They don’t discriminate on the basis of location or company. It’s a conundrum I want to ‘uncondrum’ – bahaa! (FYI – uncondrum: to unconundruminate a conundrum) *sigh* It’s late…
I remember years ago the auras used to really frighten me. This was a few years before I was diagnosed. I’d ring Mum and have her stay on the line with me until it passed. I couldn’t ever really explain exactly what it was I was experiencing. I still can’t explain it well, but I know what the process is so I don’t panic anymore. They can be like a wave of physical detachment that passes momentarily. But they can also run their course, how long that takes I’ve never timed.
That feeling of detachment lingers, things sound and smell different. I feel myself shutting down, and prefer to sit still with my eyes closed, in a quiet place. If I’m in conversation I can keep looking aware (I think!) but cannot understand the conversation, let alone contribute. My lips feel numb, my hands and fingers feel and look like they are huge, like they’ve been blown up with air! Sometimes I feel nauseous, and every time I become extremely hot and sweaty. Afterwards my whole body feels tired and I’m exhausted.
I’ve been wondering if it’s something environmental, as I didn’t have a single aura whilst we were away. Last weekend we caught up with the family. I had one in the morning, was fine during the day, then had another after we got home. It’s a mystery, and one that will likely only be answered with speculation.
Whatever the cause, I think it’s time for a break universe. It’s not me, it’s you.
Brain restarting….please wait….