There is nothing more demoralising and upsetting than being treated like you don’t matter. And when that is the attitude shown by the housing authority we are living under, it’s hard to get away from. It’s really gotten to me on a number of occasions since living in a Link Housing property, and this time is no different. I think probably because it reflects what my life shows me I’m worth.
I know that last statement is bullshit as we make our own lives and everything’s a choice. The things we have no control over, we still choose how we react to it. So it’s all in my head. I’m screwed!! I’ve developed some pretty out there beliefs which put people off if I’m idiotic enough to share them. They really show to me how far out I am from the norm. I’m everything a normal person is NOT!! I keep reading how anger is a reaction of an unintelligent person – I’m struggling to keep my head above it, drowning in the tears I can’t control because I hate being like this. I know I’m losing it again, but this time in a very spectacular way it feels.
These last 8 years have been hard, but I got to see I have compassion, empathy, loads of love, generosity and a strong character. All that is fading away, and I’m unhappy, hateful, intolerant, and ANGRY. And I wonder why I only have one friend who can tolerate all of me!! She’s known me since I was 17 and has seen every facet and shadow of my personality. Somehow still loves me to pieces. My violence is usually towards myself, and in our younger years she has seen it, nursed me and cried with me. History has built an amazingly strong bond.
I’m sorry to all the people who have seen me do so much better. I’m sorry to those who think I’m someone I’m actually not. Most of all I’m sorry to Jessie who has to learn to separate herself from my shit. This isn’t how it was meant to be.
I think Link Housing is one of my biggest triggers to my mental cave-ins. I can’t stand being ignored then lied to and treated like I’m an idiot when I call it out. It infuriates and upsets me incredibly, and I can’t seem to get a handle on it. I’ve lived in community housing before, however never in a complex entirely owned by a housing authority. I seem to create enemies at Link because I moved into a brand new unit block which they have let go to shit to match the ‘acceptable’ living standards I have been told they are required to provide. It’s degrading.
There have been a couple of things I’ve emailed our new housing manager about which went ignored. Ignored from my perspective anyway – I was told that she was saying things around the office. Nice. Following up again at the end of last week she had the nerve to tell me that she had spoken with me over the phone about my concerns. She didn’t even respond to emails let alone call me. Does she think I’m stupid?? A moron?? Insane even??!! Who does that??! This is our housing manager! Un-fucking-believable…
I so wish I owned my own home and had done a better job at securing my future when I was younger. But I didn’t. I have to live with the consequences of the choices I’ve made. That’s fair enough, I can’t expect things from life when I haven’t put in. However I don’t think Link has the right to judge me or treat me like I’m a second rate citizen.
But this is life and not the first time I’ve been in this position with Link Housing. Sadly I have no doubt it won’t be the last.
“Well petal, aren’t you just a little ray of pitch black!”